Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The Pause Button

Life has felt like it's been on pause. Do your kids ever put the video on pause to run to the potty and get distracted playing something else entirely on their way back? I feel like things have been put on pause a bit while some things have been getting sorted out. (An interesting juxtaposition considering all the "activity" that continues to swirl around my haulted planning.)

I look to the future, often to a fault. I make plans for the upcoming Fall before I finish out the school year. I look at next week's schedule when it's only Tuesday this week. (And get tired thinking about it.) It's who I am. At least since kids. The chaos children bring has consistently hit my disorder threshold and I have tried to counterbalance by controlling as many other factors in my life as possible. I have avoided commitments unless directly asked. (Yes, I just admitted that out loud.)

Lately God pushed me out there (with good intentions) beyond the walls of what I could possibly manage on my own. I'm embarrassed by how many times in the last month I've felt like throwing up (I'm not pregnant) from the uncertainty of what my commitments might (or might not) look like soon. And it's only my little world we are talking about. (Can we spell C.O.N.T.R.O.L.  F.R.E.A.K.?)

Interestingly enough, when the nausea passes I'm left with this small burning fire in my belly. That alive feeling. I sense the Lord is bringing me back to one of the most exciting times in my life. The time before children changed my willingness to risk. (It's not their fault, merely my response to having them is to blame.) Back to a time when the Lord used my small talents and magnified them for His glory. Back to a time when what He asked of me was regularly more than what I could do without Him so I had to lean into Him all the time.

There are all kinds of kitsch Christian phrases for what is happening. You've heard them, stepping out of the boat, or taking a leap of faith. Call it what makes sense to you, one image is certain to resonate with your experience. Maybe I see it as God waking up one of His sleeping giants. Do you (like me) need more than a gentle nudge out of your slumber?

2 comments:

  1. Waking you up! You have continued to stir something in my soul. I am reading "Lazarus Awakening" by Joanna Weaver and she was talking about that in Chapter two. Thank you!

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  2. I'm excited to hear more about what God is doing in your life. Sometimes being in "control" and having everything just right and comfortable is not what God is calling us to do. Sounds like you are being stretched. Enjoy it....

    I will learn from you. I feel like I'm still trying to find my balance of "control" vs. "fun" and "spontaneous". It's hard as a mom to want to do it all but, we still need to keep the balance and maintain what feels right to us.
    Anyway...I could go on and on. I'll just say that I'm excited to hear more about what you're talking about.

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