Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Say Mercy | I Give Up

Do you remember that old game? You know, the one where two people grab each other's hands and twist wildly to see who can make the other one give up first, pleading "MERCY!"

I feel like I have been playing that game lately. I feel like I have been in a battle with my own will. There are so many things that I am doing. Things I think I should do. Things I want to do. Things I have said I would do. A lot of things. (All good.)

I have felt like I was constantly running downhill full-speed this year.

My parents had the kids overnight, on a Sunday night. I was so excited because I would be able to have a date with my hubby and then send him off to work Monday morning and have the whole day to get things done. And I had plans... a list of things I was going to accomplish in my twelve whole hours before the kids needed to be picked up.

But, yesterday at 4:30 a.m. I lost the game of Mercy I have been playing since sometime last September. I woke up with this horrible pain in my chest, right behind my left breast. It frightened me. It hurt to breathe. The pain was followed by chills, then sweats, and a fever. This isn't the first time I've gotten sick, but it was the first time I knew that God was using it to get my full attention. I took a pain reliever and prayed for His mercy. Finally in the early afternoon I decided I need to go to the doctor. (Eric had pneumonia last month and delayed going in too long, resulting in a lengthy recovery.) In the hours in bed as I thought about all the things that I was going to have to figure out how to get done while sick, I knew that I was over-extended and the fat needed to be trimmed.

I knew what the fat was. God had already told me, I just had been too busy trying to win the game of Mercy.

See, God and I have been in big dialogue over this here little blog. This year I started a new project, Project Life. Oh how I love it. I do. It is so good for me. I love that for the first time I am keeping up on scrapbooking my pictures each week. I love it. Truly can't say enough wonderful things about the method. Project Life isn't the problem.

But I did something I had never done before when I started this project. I joined a linking party. What's the big deal about that you ask? For most people I am sure it is NOT a big deal. But for me, it was NOT a good thing. I found I was writing my post thinking about who was reading it now. I was counting the comments I received. I was spending tons of time looking at all the other links and leaving comments, hoping that they would return the favor and say something nice to me. That they would help me feel good. I was spending way too much time here, when He had so much more for me to do in other places.

So I was conflicted. I do not feel like it is wrong for me to blog. I love, love, love being able to look back at what I was thinking and feeling when the kids were different ages and experiencing different things. I love that. I thought about making it a private blog. But I have family members who like to be able to see pictures of the kids and I didn't want to give them one more hurdle they had to jump through to get the information.

As I lay in bed I realized there were two things that needed to happen right now:

  • No more linking parties for me
  • I needed to disable comments

Lord-willing these two things will help me to keep my purpose in blogging in perspective. That's where the Lord has me right now. And I am thankful. When I hit PUBLISH POST I am going to go snuggle on the couch next to my husband.

"Most of all, love each other as if your life depended on it. Love makes up for practically anything. Be quick to give a meal to the hungry, a bed to the homeless--cheerfully. Be generous with the different things God gave you, passing them around so all get in on it: if words, let it be God's words; if help, let it be God's hearty help. That way, God's bright presence will be evident in everything through Jesus, and he'll get all the credit as the One might in everything--encores to the end of time. Oh, yes!" I Peter 4:8-11 (The Message paraphrase)