Thursday, October 24, 2013
Right Now | Just Me
Right now... I'm listening to Amy Grant's album How Mercy Looks From Here. I play Deep As It Is Wide over and over again and let the tears hit my lap. I will never fully understand how we can cry and smile at the same time, no matter how old I get. Hope stirred into melancholy. Once my eyes are finally dry I turn the volume up as loud as I can stand and sing with Amy's family Our Time Is Now, again and again. I feel much more grown-up than I did when I started listening to her almost three decades ago. She is much more grown up too.
Right now... I just purchased a couple of things from Forever 21. This and another one too that I couldn't find online. They will not make me look 21. I am hopeful that they also will not make me appear as if I am trying to look 21. Flowing blouses with skinny jeans and boots are what I wear a lot right now.
Right now... I have been squelching temptation to talk about politics, even in a round about manner. My words can be so much better spent. Even complete silence seems more lovely right now.
Right now... I am reading Brennan Manning's The Furious Longing of God. He says things so well. They speak to places in me that don't get talked to very often and it's good. I am reminded who I am to God. A first reading of his work for me. Feeling regret over not taking the opportunity I had several years ago to meet and hear him speak.
Right now... I am feeling quite disconnected to this small space I've carved out for myself. Last year it was about this time of year that this part of me grew quite silent. It seems to be happening again. On the other side of that quiet was joy. So right now a part of me is looking ahead, expectant.
Right now... I am mulling on the concept that something can appear productive, but not produce fruit and how that affects perspective in ministry.
Right now... I am studying I John with my church community.
Right now... I am thinking about pulling out my sewing machine and making something. But I don't know what to makes, so I'm waiting.
Right now... there is a lot stirring beneath the surface. The foggy days seem appropriate. The messy house almost seems comforting. And my words come out vague and unclear.